AROUND TOWN
• There is no windmill in Windmill Harbour. Don’t go looking for it. Come to think of it, there’s no ship yard in Shipyard, either.
• At least once a summer, spend a day playing tourist. You’ll be amazed at how different the island looks from a fresh perspective.
• Complain if you must when they raise the gate fee at Sea Pines, but realize that it still costs less than a mixed drink at most of the nightclubs.
• Take advantage of the artistic diversity here whenever possible.
• Own a set of golf clubs even if you never play. There is a myth that everyone who lives here is a single digit handicap. You must help promote this myth.
• If you do golf, never turn down free golf. Weak excuses like “my wife is having a baby” are not valid.
• Enjoy a sunset whenever possible.
• Never base your opinions on town leadership by what you see, hear or read in the media. Attend meetings open to the public long before you ever open your mouth.
• Attend as many “fests” as you can. Wing Fest, WineFest, FoodFest, October Fest, the Rib Burnoff & BBQ Fest, Chili Fest – they are the glue that helps strengthen the community.

TRAFFIC
• The speed limit on the William Hilton Pkwy. is 45 mph. Driving 55 mph. gets you to your destination no faster. Driving 35 mph gets you a rude gesture. Do neither.
• You’re not fooling anyone with a license plate that says “Tag Applied For.” Register your car and pay the tax.
• If your license plate says “Tag Aply For,” you probably shouldn’t be driving in the first place.
• If you feel compelled to write the local papers and complain about the traffic, spend a few weeks in a city like Atlanta or Los Angeles. Then come back and try to complain about gridlock.
• If you were one of the jerks who used to shoot up the right lane to the Sea Pines Circle and then cut across the double lines, don’t go looking for a new way to be a jerk now that they have made that move impossible.
• Deer-crossing signs are placed where they are for a reason. Keep your eyes open.
• If you are traveling in the left lane and people are passing you on the right, you are going too slow.
• If you can read the VIN number on the car in front of you, you’re going too fast.
• Amaze yourself by discovering that your $45,000 SUV came with a hot new accessory called “turn signals.”

DEALING WITH TOURISTS
• Remember that if you were vacationing somewhere new, those bicycles built for four might be tempting to you as well. The same goes for those big water tricycles.
• When a tourist asks, “Which way to the beach?” quickly snap back at them, “You’re on an island Mr. Ohio, just walk until you hit water!” Then smile and say, “Just kidding,” and point them in the right direction.
• Never, ever forget that Saturday is villa check-in day. Avoid driving onto the island and/or hitting the grocery stores at all costs.
• Remember that if you had never seen an alligator before, you too might want to have your picture taken with one in the background.
• Blue socks are acceptable with brown shorts and a white shirt only if you can remember when Harry Truman was president. Same goes for white socks and brown sandals.
• There are certain bars that are for locals only. If you know where they are, don’t tell your friends from out of town. Violation of this rule may result in punishment ranging from a mild scowl to an atomic wedgie.
• Before complaining about tourists, ask yourself, “Was I born and raised on Hilton Head?” If not, then you too were at one time a visitor. Cut some slack.

THE HERITAGE
• Remove your tournament badge the moment you leave the golf course. Nobody at the Old Oyster Factory is impressed that you have access to the clubhouse.
• Don’t be that moron who shouts “Get in the hole!” the exact moment a golfer hits his ball – especially on the tee box of a par-5.
• Don’t shout, “You da man, Phil!” either. Phil knows he’s da man.
• Before complaining about the island being so crowded during tournament week, bear in mind how much money the event raises for local charities and scholarships.
• Be careful of mixing alcohol and sunshine. Either alone can be dangerous. Combined, they have regularly normal people spending Monday morning apologizing to co-workers and friends for drunken stupor related activities.
• In general, photographers wearing PGA Tour credentials do not want to stop and take your picture. So don’t ask.
• Don’t ask players to autograph golf balls. “Jesper Parnevik” looks like “Lips Pernkuk” on a golf ball. Don’t even ask what Fred Funk looks like. ™